Learning to be

Mine is not an entire life lived well. I have been many things in the past, sometimes I have been the enemy, others the hero. I am human, subject to human frailties and emotions. I didn’t handle many things well, or even at all in my youth or in my adulthood. I’m not blaming any of this on my being transgender, I blame it on me for not being entirely in the world of reality. For some reason, I never seemed to connect to others, to see what they see or understand them. One of my sons has Asperger’s and though I cannot blame the stupid, mean or stupidly mean things I have done in my past on the possibility that I may have it at some level, it would explain a lot of why I react wrong to a lot of things, why I cannot seem to understand people in general.

I’ve grown as a person and though I’m sure this means nothing to those who knew me when, we all change, we all grow. I have spent a lot of time in my life just coasting through it and not knowing why I wasn’t more active in it. When someone disrupted that, I didn’t take it well. I was too smart, too arrogant to take advice or listen when someone was upset. I took everything personally and expected everyone else to react how I would, badly. I would get in my head and then the snowball would grow into an avalanche. It took a long time for me to get to this point, and not without casualties.

The reality is that I cannot go back and fix things to make everyone happy, I cannot undo the mistakes and anger, the childishness and spitefulness. I was an unhappy child who grew into an arrogant and angry adult, further spurred on by being mistaken as male, so I got privilege as well.

Thing is, I’m not that person anymore, for many reasons, it’s simply not me. Those who believe they knew me well back then, really didn’t know me, and they certainly don’t know me now. I’ve lost the driving anger and all the things that go along with it, the arrogance and the self-importance. There are bigger things than us, a larger purpose than this. Sometimes, it’s about letting go. I learned to let go the hard way, it was let go or kill myself. There was no real out, and being arrogant and self-important, kept believing that I should have a third choice, but there wasn’t one. So eventually, I let go, I accepted that there are things I cannot control, and that I should not control. I’ve learned humility when all I have ever known is privilege.

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