Cupids Lament

[Dark Emotion Warning] I’m naturally a glass-is-half-empty kind of person, please don’t read this if you are having a tough time with relationships. This isn’t a “how to”, it’s a lament. Sorry – Beth

 

I am easily moved to despondency on certain subjects. Love will always be an issue for me, it’s greatly affected by my inability to read people. I have to ask my wife if she loves me, then I wonder if she says “yes” just to spare my feelings. She isn’t particularly vocal about love or particularly affectionate, she used to be, but life has tempered her into a more insular person. I am as always, a very affectionate and love starved person. I always initiate hugs or kisses or anything of a romantic nature. Has she become more withdrawn after my coming out? I have no idea honestly, I think so, but I can’t be sure. I’m not talking about public displays, we aren’t often in public, so this is about us just being at home. At times, a lot of times, it feels like we are just roommates and I am the girl reading way too much into the relationship. When I try to get close or to be intimate, it’s a rebuff and I am stung and hurt until I finally put it behind me several days later.

This isn’t to complain about my wife, it’s really to sort out my feelings. I know she has body image issues, though she really has no actual reason. I understand certain aspects of her issues, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like this is all about her not being attracted to me. I’m not going to badger her into being intimate, but I would be remiss if I didn’t ask her occasionally. And every time I am turned away, so I get hurt, I feel worthless and unloved. Is it wrong to equate touching, kissing, sex with love? It’s not the only standards I go by for love, but when it’s almost completely missing in a relationship, it becomes a very big part of the question.

Of course, I can’t communicate this, the minute she says the words, it will kill me. I don’t have any idea what she would say, but I play the worst scenarios in my head even for normal things. This has been playing in my head on a constant repeat of the worst-case scenario if I were to ask her to tell me the truth of how she feels. I don’t believe I deserve love, I don’t believe I deserve happiness. So, when I get it, I am on stolen time. If I were to ask her to tell me the truth about how she feels, I know my heart would be torn away, it would not be an affirmation of love but a condemnation of me.

Does living in this perpetual twilight of understanding make sense? No, I never get to see the light, for despite my firm belief that her feelings of me are negative and she is just with me because it is hard out there alone, she may well indeed love me and want to be with me. One can dream. But I only see the darkness as it crawls towards me and it will just be the utter rejection I have lived through my entire life played out yet again in stereo.

I’m afraid to ask her, I’m afraid to lose her. Even if it’s this kind of together where I feel like I’m entirely alone in the relationship. I know, it’s pathetic, but that is where I am at right now. Again, I don’t know how to read people, so though I am feeling this way, it could be based on my complete lack of awareness of how she actually feels. That would be even more pathetic, the wallowing in misery over something that isn’t true at all.

Anyway, I love my wife no matter how she truly feels about me. It’s freely given and there are no conditions upon it. So I’m here forever, I just wish I was able to read people even a little bit.

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