Tis’ the Season of Change

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Photo by Beatriz Pérez Moya on Unsplash

We are coming into the holiday season, for me it’s Christmas. I’m nervous because after I return after the new year, I will be coming out at work. This will be a particularly trying time for me. But, I am looking forward to it, to getting to stop wearing the mask of “him” and just be myself. I think that after the initial shock and (for several) hatred, they will either begrudgingly ignore me, or they will get over it. They will have so many reasons for doing this, but for most it won’t be because they accept who I am. It will be mostly because they could get in trouble with HR, and that is fine. I don’t need their acceptance, we aren’t friends to begin with, but I can work with anyone I have to. I’ll be quiet at first, trying to fade into the background, it’s my signature move when I feel like everyone is watching me. But then I will get over that and just be me, being happy, which is a side they haven’t seen here. Happy and female, two things they will have to get used to at work after the holidays.

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Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

So, my wife and I started gaming, playing 5th edition D&D with my friends over a program called “Discord” so we basically teleconference the game, since everyone else is in different cities and states. The game is fine, I am in it to hang out with my friends again and for them to get to know my wife on a more personable level. What I didn’t expect, was the side effect of my wife’s acceptance and use of my name and proper pronouns. It’s something she has struggled with until just recently. She would default back to my deadname and pronouns of he/him. She wasn’t trying to do it and I understood it was hard for her, I never complained but gently corrected. But after playing for a couple of months now, where my friends use the proper pronouns “her/she” and my name (they use my middle name Anne, because they (we) are BtVS fans and I took Anne as my middle name because it’s Buffy’s middle name. Now they love using it) But since this, Michelle has really done a 180 degree turn on this, she uses my name “Beth” and proper pronouns, I feel so wonderful when she does this, so accepted. You know when you get goosebumps from someone you really love touching you or doing something very nice? It’s just that, goosebumps. I don’t know that gaming is the push she needed, or it was coincidental timing, she has her reasons and her own mind so it’s hard to say. I just know that I feel as if I am on a warm cloud when she says my name, “Beth”.

My breasts are still sore, they have filled out from an AA to A cup. They feel much bigger in the mornings, and they definitely have some bounce to them, which is nice. I have gained a bit of weight back, from an initial loss once starting HRT. I attribute that to me stress eating the last couple of months of our German overlords (parent company) being here to train me specifically for aspect of my position that are being pushed to me from the parent company, and it was my first full company inventory that I ran myself. So yes, I was very stressed. I hope to be able to lose some weight once I convince myself to get back on the cat bed (treadmill) and do some running, which will be interesting (painful) with the bouncing breasts, luckily, I had the foresight to buy some sports bras. Take that boobies! Seriously though, I am going to work out more. I want to lose weight, so I feel better but also, I want to be able to wear a larger variety of clothes which is sadly closed off to those of us with larger builds.

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Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Unsplash

This new year is going to be my year. Everything is coming up “Beth” in 2019! I wish Mom and Dad were here, but they are gone. I am going to live my best life, not just for me but for them as well. I have a loving and supportive extended family and friends, I have a nice home and wonderful wife and children. I have little to complain about despite my tendency towards the maudlin. Too much of the poet still within me that believes to truly write you must be sad and misery must be your guide. It’s not true, but I lived with sadness for a very long time and it became my friend. I have learned recently that happiness has its place and I shouldn’t ignore it but nurture it at every chance.

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