I realize I have a tendency towards melancholia, I always see the darkness before the light. It must be noted, that despite what I initially see, there is always light afterwards. If I come across to you as maudlin or lachrymose, it may be well earned but it’s not the reality of who I am. I am truly, an optimist. I know, it seems odd, but I really am. I am the worst mix, that of an optimist and a perfectionist. I have been and constantly am, disappointed in those around me, those I don’t know and most of all in myself. It’s not fair, nor is it right that I judge, and I temper all that I can, but I cannot deny that it’s my character flaw and it still gets free most days. It could be nurture, as though I often speak of my Mother as being courageous and brave, strong and strong willed, she had flaws and one of them was exactly mine. That of high expectations, far higher than any could hope to achieve.
So, I seem gloomy and despondent, when really, I am releasing in a very precise way this character flaw so that it can express itself and then be pushed back down. Healthy? Perhaps not, but my life isn’t about fixing every flaw I have, I have this being transgender issue that takes over the predominate amount of my life dealing with. Having a penis, not getting FFS (facial feminization surgery), still going through the slightly painful both in body and wallet of LHR (laser hair removal), so many flaws I am dealing with. Not all will be able to be addressed, in fact most may not. But I am doing the best with what I have, which is where my despondency comes in.
I had a bit of a good day yesterday, well work was horrible, but coming home I got our new Amazon Fire TV Cube! I love tech and this was an upgrade to the amazon fire that we already had. I love tech! So far, I love the Fire Tv cube, though I’m not thrilled about the name, lol. It works great, I can control my TV power and volume, which the tv cube setup by itself, it can even go to its correct source (HMDI1) if for some reason or somehow, I switched the source, without me having to find the tv remote. I know, this isn’t a tech review, but seriously I love the thing.
Anyway, during my unboxing and pontifications of the virtues of this new device to my poor uncaring wife, she decided to order from pizza hut. We rarely do this, but each time I either go and change from my house dress or pajamas with hearts and kittens on them, or I find a way to avoid answering the door like using the bathroom, etc. It’s not that I am embarrassed to be me, it’s more about presentation. Typically, when this urge for pizza comes on, it’s during the week right after I get home from work and I am still presenting as a man. It has been hard just because of the work and still pretending, but then I get home and have my hair all pulled back and no makeup, typically with some stubble from the not yet finishing LHR. I don’t feel pretty at all and I’m wearing female oriented clothing. So, changing seems prudent, if completely uncomfortable. But last night, my wife went to take a shower after ordering, so I was left with a decision to go with what I was wearing (lavender henley and yoga pants, with my distinctly feminine glasses, or rush into the bedroom to change everything. I had a bit of stubble on my face from a long day, so the urge to change gripped me. But I said to myself, “you know what? I’m not doing this anymore, they can deal with it or not, I’m done with this.”
Well, I waited for the delivery man to arrive and though we are too infrequent customers for us to have a usual delivery person, this was one whom I had dealt with before. I came to the door completely nude (just checking to see if you were still paying attention). No, I came to the door still in my pretty lavender henley and feminine glasses, I made a point to speak to him while I signed his bill and took the food. He did not hesitate to walk away, whether this was in my head or reality, hard to tell. But I don’t care, I felt good about myself doing this, I felt a bit freer from my own constraints. Baby steps, one two three, step. Sometimes, it only takes one day to turn everything around.