There haven’t been new posts in a while, because I have been sick. I’m better now and ready to go…
I have “come out” to people in a steady stream in the last three years. I have completed this with everyone but with my employers and my Optometrist. I have an appointment next month for my Optometrist, and we will get glasses that fit who I am rather than my mask and that will be the easiest outing. While I have told our HR manager and a couple of friends in the company, no one else knows yet. This is getting ready to change, I am guessing within this next month. That will be the final “outing”. No more, “hey I know you knew me as him, but I never was”, “no I’m not changing just stopping hiding”, “yes I am still the same person just without the reserve and mask”.
I recently changed to a more stable position and had specified training to make me even more valuable in my current position. This is because I know that there are going to be people who will either make my life hell or they are going to find a way to manufacture my removal. So, I girded my position in such a way as to make it painful for them to try. Just thinking about the first day after coming out to them gives me anxiety and panic. I am not confrontational if I can help it, I don’t want to hear other people’s condemnations as I have been condemning myself for years, I don’t need the help. Now, I am hitting the maximum of the worst-case scenario in my head.
I went to my LHR procedure yesterday, as myself. It was the first time I had the opportunity, as usually it is during lunch from work. I show up presenting as male and then go back to work, it’s very embarrassing. This time, I was so happy to just go and get it done without feeling awkward! My only issue is that of course you can’t wear makeup, and I had been sick all weekend. I hadn’t even done my nails, I was as plain as I could possibly be. So, I looked horrible and my hair was just barely even called “styled”, in that I brushed it and sprayed some texturizer on it before leaving to make the appointment. I was still pretty damn happy that I could just be me. I think I only have one more appointment for LHR, my tech says that it’s going to be a case by case to see but she thinks it will be soon!
I also got a call from the clinic, my doctor followed my request for 3 months of HRT meds so that I don’t have to drive all the way into town (an hour drive) each month, but also because my insurance won’t pay for it which is great since they charge much more than if you pay in cash. ($810 for 3 months on insurance, $38 for 3 months when paying in cash). Crazy, right? Ask your pharmacist to run your drugs as just cash to see what the difference is, you have to ask or they won’t do it. I’m picking that up this week some time, just getting back to work so things are busy.
I still feel inadequate and nervous to be out in public. Mostly I am afraid of the cocky, confrontational right-wing crazies that always seem to find you and have no fear themselves because, privilege. I don’t go out much anyway, but it would be nice to go to Lowe’s in our little town without feeling like I’m going to be mobbed and murdered at any moment. If I go to a store, I drive 30 minutes to an hour away into Asheville so I don’t feel as threatened, it’s going to be a process for me. My wife, who is cis female doesn’t even like going to certain stores because she feels uncomfortable with body issues. Now, she is pretty and though she isn’t rail-thin, she is very attractive and curvy in all the right places. But we all live and die in our heads, with our own issues and especially guessing at how others perceive us. Those lucky people that really don’t care how others see them, I envy those people.