Today is our third wedding anniversary. I have only been married to my wife for 3 years, we were together for 5 years before that. We have been friends for about 23 years. Events in our lives conspired to have us travel two different, yet parallel paths until 8 years ago. While I despise linear time, it is necessary to give you a common understanding of where we are as a couple. I came out to her, as transgender, a month or two before our wedding.
First, it’s important that you know that I am horrible at reading other people, I cannot tell what they are thinking and am often wrong about my assumptions of their motivations. So, keep what I am telling you, which is decidedly one-sided, with a grain of salt. I have always felt that I love her, far more than she loves me. I started loving her about 23 years ago, I have no idea if she has ever actually fallen in love with me. I am afraid to explore them too honestly as I might find myself alone, I may find my life and children gone and I may find that it was all just convenient for her. It’s a horrible thing to say, but it’s an honest feeling.
Since coming out and even before that, our relationship has felt somewhat platonic. I am touchy-feely and romantic and she doesn’t want to be touched or to reciprocate the romance. We haven’t had sex in 3 years, didn’t even have it on our honeymoon. About the time I came out to her, this all stopped. We are both bisexual, so I don’t think it’s about me being transgender but it’s certainly possible. She has said that she has body image issues and perhaps feels inadequate herself? I have told her that I love her, if she wants to lose weight (she has said she doesn’t like her weight), not lose, I love her and am always attracted to her. But perhaps it is me. It feels like she isn’t attracted to me. I have worked at losing weight and that didn’t seem to change anything for her. It’s a difficult thing to talk about, it’s entirely personal, but our talking about sex ends up with, I think, her trying to spare my feelings. She says that she just isn’t interested in sex. That it’s not me, it’s just her not being interested. I believe it is just that she isn’t interested in sex, with me. That is how it feels. I feel like sometimes like I am not worth love, not worth the effort of romance. It’s almost like she confirms it. We sleep in the same bed, but there is no touching unless I do the touching. Then I feel like she is just tolerating my touch, so I stop.
I desperately love my wife, and I can’t imagine my life without her. But I don’t want to get further into our lives for her to “wait for the children to grow up” and then decide to leave. I’d rather pull that band-aid now, if that is what she is thinking. I see us growing old together, but it feels like she sees herself leaving. I don’t know. I’ve been very hesitant to voice these feelings, like doing so would give them power, give them reality. So, I have glossed over some of my past posts, I haven’t been totally honest. I’m still not going to be honest, because I am not going to include this blog post on my facebook like I usually do, because I don’t want her to read this, this isn’t about making her feel bad for whatever it is she is or is not feeling. This is just me putting my feelings out there. I’m not soliciting answers or fixes; I am just putting it out there, into the universe, in all it’s painful truth as I can see it.