All Over the Place

[It has been a while since I have posted, I am kind of re-working my blog. I am going to use only my photos, or those with whom I have permission. This has been an oversight on my part, mainly from laziness. I will be going back through the blog later to purge any photos that are not mine from older entries. Nothing has prompted this, I have wanted to correct this for a while and I kept procrastinating.]

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I still have things to do towards my transition. I am living about 90% of my life as myself, while 10% (work) is still as the mask. I must get that 10% out of my life, either by making it work with my current position or quitting the old and starting a new job. Given our finances, my transition will pretty much stop at the orchiectomy, though I would not be opposed to breast enhancement, but I want to give it two or three years because HRT will still be changing my breasts and I don’t want to create problems. I will probably never be able to do sex reassignment surgery, it’s far too costly. Though I am also not opposed to doing it if the chance presents itself. So essentially, I’m on the slow HRT train, just riding the hormones, getting laser hair removal and waiting the next steps to happen. I find myself in almost an anti-climactic area of my transition, that isn’t a bad thing, it’s a good time to assess things and look at what I have planned.

My main efforts in the next few months, since I am doing the monthly LHR and my daily HRT, will be to work on feminizing my voice. I am completely tired of having to change clothes for strangers who come to our house, like pizza or Lowes delivery people. I am so self-conscious of my voice that if I know I have to talk to someone I manage to freak myself out and I panic. So, I really have to work on this part of me. If anyone has found a voice feminization program that has worked for them, I am open to trying anything.

My wife, while supportive to the over-all process of my transition, still has some hang ups that range from annoying to hurtful. I don’t pressure her about anything to do with my transition. I do ask her how I look when I do my makeup and get dressed to go out, but most women do this. I just want to make sure I don’t commit a fashion faux pas or have too much makeup on, which I can be prone to do. I will make a comment on how my boobs hurt, but no more than our teenage daughter did when she first went through puberty. I let her know where I am and what my plans are. I always work around money issues with a good budget and common sense. However, she still won’t use my name, still using my deadname and the wrong pronouns. It hurts me that she will make the effort for our son, but with me that same effort isn’t applied. I have told her that I want her to call me by the correct name and pronoun, but she claims she forgets. If you never do it, it’s not forgetting, it’s refusing. She also contradicts me about facts of HRT which I know due to research and actually living through. That fat will redistribute and muscle mass will decrease are facts of MtF HRT. Her contradiction of this is more annoying than anything else, considering she seems to have no problem understanding that our son, who is going through FtM HRT, is gaining muscle mass and fat distribution is changing his body. Anyway, our relationship isn’t perfect, we both have things to work on and I don’t want this to be a bitch session about my wife.

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It’s that time of year when the women around me at work wear cute summer dresses. I feel a little despondent when I am still wearing the same 4 men’s shirts to work. I know it’s temporary, but my whole life has been doing this, I know I have to pretend not to care to keep up the mask. I took my daughter to shop for a bikini this weekend, and though I was happy to do it, I also feel cheated that I wasn’t able to do this when I was a child, fate put the wrong genetics to my brain. I had to resort to sneaking around wearing my step-sister’s or step-mother’s clothes for very short periods of time the few times the house was empty. I will never get that time back, I didn’t have the courage it took to be me. Sigh, it’s always the same lament I know, the dangers of hindsight. It’s small consolation when those close to me tell me it worked out how it was supposed to. As much as they mean well, they didn’t pretend to be a completely different person from their childhood and through adulthood so that other people could feel comfortable. It’s not an easy feeling to shake, it haunts me.

5 thoughts on “All Over the Place

  1. Tanit

    Liz, take comfort in the simple fact that you cannot undo what is done. You cannot go back in time to unmake the choices that you made. They are simply water under the bridge and life goes on with future choices to make.

    Long ago due to my trans conflict, I was forced to make a choice between life and death and opted to live and carry on in drab to earn a retirement as I felt that I would never find someone to accept me as I am nor would I stand much chance of finding a job to support me . Now, many years have passed and I am within four years of retirement (although I can retire now) and once again will be forced to choose the course of my life. What am I, who am I, what will I be? I still do not know. Will I be better off if I come out as trans or worse off? Will I lose all my friends? In my case, I have other socio/ethnic and self-worth issues that factor into the decision. The difference is that employment won’t matter!

    In any case, I take comfort in the fact that I simply made the choice to live and really, everything else pales to (relative) insignificance. Don’t dwell on the past – you can’t change it. Look to a brighter future – you still have decisions to make but in doing so, also have empathy for the partner whom you are most fortunate to share your life with. Hugs,

    Tanit

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tanit,
      I know, I just feel foolish sometimes, looking at the support I have had for years and didn’t place enough trust in them. With being trans, there is always something that holds us from coming out initially, it is different for everyone. I am glad that now, despite the current administration, the information is out there, that transgender people can come out and find a place in this world instead of having to hide their entire lives.
      You aren’t obligated to ever come out, that’s the one choice we have as transgender people, to come out or stay hidden. I hope the best for you!
      I am indeed thankful for my wife, though we have things to work on, it is less than most and I recognize that.

      Elizabeth

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  2. Tanit

    See? Now you’ve made me cry. 🙂 I have told a number of people over the years that I am transgender but none in my normal circle. I was more open/carefree earlier in my life and went out more often en femme but currently I am constrained by my line of work (law enforcement) and my neighbors (known to law enforcement…).

    I take care of my elderly mother (94 yo) and I am torn as to whether to tell her or not. She forgets a lot now and I have this peculiar feeling that it would be “cheating” to tell her if she doesn’t remember. However, I do not know that for sure and I don’t want to break her heart by telling her that her son is really her daughter. I have hinted before but she hasn’t bitten. What complicates matters is that she is full-blooded, old-school Japanese and her/my culture affects my decision as I do not want to hurt nor dishonor her. I don’t have much time to make this decision before the choice is forever taken out of my hands. 😦 Hugs,

    Tanit

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    1. Law enforcement does present a problem, as typically you can get trapped in a toxic masculinity situation pretty easily. It is not unheard of for transgender to serve openly, but it is rare. There are no good answers to this, you know how your department is and how they view LGBT people. Perhaps bringing up that you met a transgender person, and see how they respond, that is how I felt out my HR.
      On your mom, if she is old school, to the tune of wishing for the days of feudal Japan, then you may be kind of ok? It really is a toss up, as Japan has a history of gender bending, but also has a more recent past of very strict laws. So it will depend on your mother’s attitude and you obviously know best there. I never told my mom because she was fighting cancer when I was ready to come out, so I hid it so that she wouldn’t have to worry. I know how you feel there, I do.
      However, I wish I had come out to her because I know she would have wanted to know, she would have had issues at first, but she only ever wanted my happiness. I was not a happy child or adult, she would have loved to see me smiling now. In the end, this is all your choice, it’s never an easy one. The reasons you are finding, make sure they are your reasons and not a way to just keep everyone feeling ok. That is how you hold yourself hostage.

      Like

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