You’ll be doing alright, in your Christmas of white…

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I have noticed, in a fit of ill-conceived introspection, that I fall into the typical transgender blogger person. I’m not really saying it’s bad, in fact it’s kind of nice that in some respect I tend to follow along with my peers. I still rankle at being cast into this mold, that of a transgender anything, but labels help people understand, and people includes me. It’s much harder to explain that I am female, but I have a penis, seems like a longer label than transgender or MtF. I never cared much for MtF, I’ve used it but it’s kind of saying I was male then I turned female. I was always female, I just hid it well. See? I am over explaining like a typical transgender blogger person as well!

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During the time of introspection (I call it the great reckoning of the Beth, or the Beth-oning), I noticed that I am dwelling on the one person I have lost, rather than the tons of people I have continued to keep and gained upon coming out.  It’s crazy, right? To focus on the brother who never liked me even when I pretended to be a boy. Conversely, I told a longtime friend/ex-coworker, Julie, about me, this will continue to happen as I slowly transition people away from my masks FB page and onto my actual FB page. She was really great about the news and very sweet. So far, I have been limiting my invites and outings to those who have little or nothing to do with my career field as it can be a tight group, but Julie is in IT as well, albeit in another city.

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Christmas is coming… it’s coming to town… It’s marking, in its wintery wonderland-y way, another year that has gone by, a season in which I lost my mother last year and of course my still being in boy mode at work. I would, of course, suffer the rest of my life in boy mode at work if I could have my mother back. I know, it takes a special talent to sound magnanimous and selfish in the same sentence. I miss my Mom so very much and her face as she was dying still lingers in my mind’s eye, allowing me to see her at the end each time I close my eyes. She had suffered through Christmas and lasted to the end of January. I don’t want to be able to see that part of her life which, as a whole, was such a fleeting moment. Her life was filled with other moments I wish were burned into my mind so thoroughly, like her face when my best friend, Joe presented her with a cruise that he had won. Or when I would take off work to spend my thanksgiving with her, helping to make four full thanksgiving dinners to families she knew were in need. Those times when she wasn’t bothered by the world, when she was just allowed to be happy, those are the moments I want burned into my brain. Not just Mom, but that of our dog, Mabel who passed just recently. Alas, it’s the saddest moments that linger, etched within my memory with the precision and grace of a rusty nail. Sorry, I will wax morosely at times, it’s my nature I suppose. Sad clown.

Christmas won’t be all gloom really. I have children and a wife and two kittens and a guinea pig, plenty just under my roof to love and adore. I am still in a holding pattern for the things I would like for me. I have not started on laser hair removal, I have not started HRT, etc. But I did put in for an additional credit card, which will be henceforth known as Beth’s “Card of Transition”, it’s like a bag of holding except this one converts my bag into something else. Ok I went far to land a bag of holding joke. Upon it will only be charges of those things that directly change me for the better. (Laser Hair removal, HRT, ancillary costs from Orchiectomy, etc.) It should be in by next week, so things are really going to start happening in rapid succession. Mostly the laser for now. I want to lose more weight before HRT, I want to be in a good healthy place, even though I know it isn’t the same for everyone, but I will be one of the women which can’t lose weight at all once starting HRT.

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As I mentioned above, we decided to adopt two kittens from a local rescue. My wife and I were despondent after the passing of our dog, Mabel. The house was so empty without her, without her nails clicking on the hardwood, or the groany sound as she laid down, or the nose poke asking for a belly rub. We had discussed getting a dog later, perhaps in the summer for it was too soon now. We didn’t want to replace Mabel, so we also talked about getting a kitten now. We went to Charlie’s Angels Rescue that Saturday thinking we would just see what kittens they had, scout them out. Let me say that these no-kill rescues are doing a great service and with Charlie’s Angels, we really knew they wanted great homes for these animals. We found two kittens almost right away, they found us really. One was named “rabbit” and the other “cheddar”, they are litter mates. I say “was” because we renamed them both, Rabbit is now “Lady Brie of the Fluffy Toe Beans” and Cheddar is now “Sir E.S. (extra sharp) Cheddar of the North Carolinian Vermonts”.

We had to wait a week for them to get to weight so they could be microchipped and spayed/neutered. During that time the rescue wanted to meet us in our home. They were very nice and obliging and kept in contact with us each step of the way. One person came to our home and asked us questions and surveyed the house itself. I did stay boy mode as I had just come home from work and I didn’t want who I was, to become an issue with the person interviewing us. It would be my luck that she was a transphobe and I didn’t want to risk it. It almost felt like we were adopting a human child, so much effort was put into making sure we would be good parents. We were allowed to adopt them (they have this great offer to keep kittens paired, you can adopt one for $75, but if you adopt two you can adopt them for $100) and we picked them up only a week later. They have been with us now for several weeks and already have the run of the house. They love the fireplace, we have a spark arrestor, so they are free to lounge in front of the fire. Cheddar is pretty much my kitten and Brie is Michelle’s. But they love everyone and where one sleeps, so sleeps the other. They both bring joy into our home, not replacing Mabel, but reminding us that because Mabel was also a rescue, all animals deserve a home and love. I think Mabel would appreciate us opening our home to others.

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I will likely post another entry before Christmas, but if for some reason I am unable or unwilling, I want to wish my friends and family and you, dear reader, a wonderful holiday. Take a moment to appreciate all that you have and honor those you have lost by living each day for them. Your feelings are real, be true to yourself and the easy way is almost never the right way.

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