A True Love of Mine

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The lives we lead hardly ever end up how we might expect. The journey is never a straight one, it takes on curves and dips and dive drops and corkscrews, what I’m saying is – it’s a roller coaster analogy. Who I am isn’t a problem. My biology not fitting my brain is the problem. Being transgender is a complication upon the roller coaster, bumps on the rails. I didn’t ask for that, don’t want it, not happy about it. But there it is and I am just trying to be who I am meant to be.

I’ve seen those who have valiantly been themselves, lose family and friends just to be themselves. I’ve lost a few family members, no friends yet. It’s crap. How do they have such trouble acknowledging that you had to change? Are you expected to always be miserable not being you, hiding behind a mask so they can feel better or comfortable? Sorry, I am standing upon the soapbox now… well it is my blog, so I suppose deal with it.

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There are “new” transgender that I am happening upon through social media. New is misleading though, as they have lived their lives up to this point and then I met them so they are “new” to me. It’s interesting, like I am an old hand at coming out (only been what, two or three years at actively coming out?) I am trying to give advice and help them in any way I can with words. In many ways, they are wiser and braver than I, so my words always feel like so little help.

One of the “new” women I am friends with on social media, she brought up a common issue with being transgender, or with changing to fit who you are. Being married and worrying over how it will not only affect the spouse, but if they will stay with you once the changes are done. Sure, it’s easy to say that love should conquer all, and if this was an 80’s love story, that would be the end of it. But we all know, as does Duckie, that you can love someone and not be able to be with them. It sucks, it worse than sucks, it’s unfair and even again worse than unfair. You also will look at your life and decide on if this marriage is still what you want. Nothing can prepare you for the feelings you will have upon coming out or with HRT. The repressed feelings that you dig up may have different ideas. It’s not a failing, it just is, sometimes you have to accept that it just is.

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I have had people ask if my marriage is doing alright considering my coming out. They have asked if I am going to stay with Michelle if/after I have my surgeries. I must admit I am always at a bit of a loss on how to answer these queries. I came out to my wife before our marriage, she knows me better than anyone. While it has taken some time for her to come to grips with my changes, it is because of the physical appearance and not for who I am on the inside, as that has always remained a constant.

I have no desire to leave my wife, and if she were to tell me that she was a man ensnared within the trappings of a woman, I would not love him a jot less.  Who we are, the real us rarely has anything to do with the outward appearance. I don’t expect her to be any less herself than I am, this is an equal partnership. Yes, we happen to both be bisexual, but it’s not only about sexual attraction. I love her mind and I love her geek, I love her body and her smile, I love her laugh and I love her eyerolls. If the body were to change, I would love that body too because it is part of that laugh and geek and eyeroll and mind. Love is gentle, love is kind, love is long suffering, love is laughter and love is light. If you find mutual love, you must be prepared to be open to the good parts of life.

If I have GRS, an expense I am still trying to justify, it won’t change us. We will have different equipment to work with, that is a physical thing. The surgery wouldn’t define me any more than my lack of surgery now does, it will simply allow me to be more of who I am.

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I get it, the questions are asked because of… marriages fall apart, it happens. It’s sad and upsetting and sometimes life is just a jerk and pushes people apart. I’m not saying we are above this, we are human and have failings and foibles and humans pee and poop, it’s just disgusting what we humans get up to. I am saying that if we break up if the worst happens, it won’t be because I am a woman, that ship sailed when I was a wee lass. It will happen because of other things, I am a jerk sometimes, I play too much or I am too serious or too unyielding on things. (Yes, it will be me that messes it up, Michelle is perfect.)

There are not guarantees in life, look at what we must work with. An imperfect world with imperfect people residing upon it. Two fools find each other and pledge to spend their short time upon that world with one another? There are so many chances to mess it up, but there are also a lot of chances to get it right as well. Choose to work towards getting it right, then hope that the world doesn’t muck it up. It gives you a pretty good percentage, if you are into knowing the odds. I’m not, never tell me the odds…

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In the end, you have little control over others. Be you, be the real you and show those you love that they haven’t stopped being important, being of value to your life. Show them that who you are is not a negotiation, that you are worth love and understanding. Let the chips fall where they may, but be true to you. Even if you find yourself alone right now, keep showing people you are worth love and love will find you.

2 thoughts on “A True Love of Mine

  1. More than just sex in relationships as you have pointed out, doing it probably constitutes an unbelievably small portion of your time together.

    I had the surgery and it surprised me just how much it meant to be whole. Quite a big change, but when you consider just how much people change as the decades slip by, that change seems less than you might imagine. Finally being who you needed to be can make you a much better companion than you were before. sadly many couples do break up with words said that cannot be unsaid. Only when the expected humiliation and disaster of transition does not happen do they belatedly realise the joy they have cast aside.

    Hope that you one day find a way to get your treatment.

    Liked by 1 person

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