The Girl in the Red Dress

I was in a lot of physical pain this weekend and through into Tuesday. I only came back to work on Wednesday, much to the chagrin of those who cannot remember passwords or how to log onto their VPN accounts… IT is never missed until we aren’t there. During that time, I did manage to watch “The Matrix“. The revelations were there, I found a lot of ties to my own life though obviously not the courage it takes to make the leap (see even the first jump from building to building that Neo failed is an allegory) and just come out entirely. I say courage but it’s really about having a job, having a stable life for my family is a strong reasoning. I don’t want my wife and children to have to struggle or do without. I know it’s not selfish to take care of myself, it makes sense to attend to my needs as well or there won’t be a “me” to take care of them in the first place.

On the electronic front, I am finding that who you are and what you mean to others on social media, our own slightly less convincing “matrix“, can sometimes become distorted. I will spell out my position now, so there is no misinterpretation. I am a (slowly) transitioning trans-female who is not yet on HRT, I have not yet had laser hair removal and no surgeries have happened. My transitioning designation is from the desire and steps I am planning, then taking. It is going slowly, but it is going forward.

On Facebook, I am including more people from my masks FB, those I consider true friends, and inviting them onto my real FB page. It’s gone pretty smoothly, but I am prepared emotionally for bumps in the road. I’m still trying to make myself post, I know it sounds odd coming from a blogger, but I find it hard to post my thoughts without clueing in all my friends, friends as to who I am. A lot of the communities I was a part of mixed with all these friends. I care a lot less, but I have to be careful that my current co-workers don’t inadvertently see my posts. It’s a tangled web of friends we weave upon the interweb.

On twitter a relatively new friend sent me a pm asking if it would be alright to ask me questions about being trans. This is a cis woman with whom I have formed a bond with, she is a good person with that wonderful quirk of wanting to learn about things she may not know. She has wisdom. She wanted to ask if there is a difference between being a crossdresser and being transgender. To transgender this may seem like a simple thing upon first blush, but think back to when you didn’t know what transgender was.. I thought I was a crossdresser at first and for a long time. I didn’t see the nuance or understand the flaws in my reasoning, or have the information about what transgender was. For most transgender especially those of us who are older we first label ourselves, erroneously, as crossdressers. We didn’t have the information that we do now. If you were older and knew what transgender was, then you were in the right circle of information at the right time. I had a friend who was gay and was studying to get his masters in anthropology, I could have asked him. But I was young, newly in the military, and trying very hard to ignore that side of me.

Just knowing what I know now, that if you wish you were the opposite gender of your body, if you are constantly surprised that you aren’t a genetically the opposite, that if your body doesn’t fit the gender that you are, then you are transgender. Simple answers to complex questions. Crossdressers are concerned with clothing and feeling a certain way, they don’t know in their soul that they are women (men), transgender people do. So, it was an interesting question and I had no problem fielding it. She was worried about asking me questions, about insulting or making me angry. I don’t understand why getting firsthand information from the actual subject would be a problem. Asking out of curiosity and out of a profound want to understand is admirable. Asking so that you can try to use it to antagonize, well that is insulting to anyone regardless of being transgender. So I told her she may ask me anything about being transgender and if I don’t know the answer specifically I will find out. I don’t know everything about being transgender, I haven’t had surgeries or even started HRT yet. So, I’m not an expert on being a transitioned trans, just at being me.

The blog <points to parts of the blog around your screen> is updated onto WordPress now and has its own URL. I am very happy with the results so far. I like that I can updated or post on my phone, I really like that the app is regularly updated and not from 2005 like blogger. I think the design is working, if you have issues or don’t like something, please let me know so I can address it.

All of my friends now know about me, Keith and Amber, my final set of friends were the last to be told. Truthfully, I sent Amber a message and she told her husband Keith. Then Joe told them, as he knew I wanted them to know but they had changed their phone numbers a couple of times and I didn’t have their latest numbers. They are a conservative, Christian couple, which doesn’t mean they hate me. It means really that they don’t understand what I am, but they love me. I am ok with not understanding, it allows for the ability to learn, to understand. They still love me and that is great with me, because I still love them! At some point I will erase my masks FB, and those who are left behind will perhaps wonder about what happened to my mask, those people will be the ones that weren’t told about me for a reason, or we just weren’t close at all.

Speaking of Facebook, I have found that almost every single person from my hometown in Missouri is a conservative and Trump supporter. I have found myself silently dropping them from my masks page, it’s not worth the comments. I don’t really care for most of my hometown “friends”, they were added as a way to keep in touch with what people are doing. We have at least one gay person who has been out for a long time, I don’t think anyone gives him trouble from facebook hometown friends, but then I think some people get a pass and those like me, who were not popular and kept to themselves, I think we would not be accepted. I am ok with that, as I have little feelings of nostalgia for those I left behind. I wonder who will be left once I come out, it  will be interesting and ultimately stress relieving.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s