After Midnight

At midnight, even bad days come to an end. – Ms Moem

It takes a lot of energy to climb out of a pit of depression. I’m still climbing, but there is something theraputic about seeing the light above getting closer. I would love to apologize for the negative feel of my previous post, more to the point, I would love to not feel that way. I, however, won’t apologize for having the feeling or writing about it. If there is one thing that transgender people understand, it’s depression. We feel trapped, not just by our bodies, but by our situations and often by culture. Feeling trapped and helpless with no end in sight can lead one down into that dark pit. It’s hard to see the truth, that life offers choices and that for the most part, we aren’t truly trapped, that we can find a way out even if it is a hard climb.

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. – John Wooden

So, I’m again making plans, I like lists. I make lists for everything, they bring me comfort and allow me to see that with each line through each step there is progress. First on my list is to find a less expensive place that does laser hair removal. A big source of my angst is this facial hair, even after scrapping my face repeatedly with the best razors, I still feel the hair, I still have to use a thick foundation to hide the hair and stuble develops in only hours. The rawness of my face after and the sheer amount of time each single day is not fun. So this is my first item on my new list to tackle.

Most people chase success at work, thinking that will make them happy. The truth is that happiness at work will make you successful.” – Alexander Kjerulf

On my list is coming out at work, it’s near the bottom of the list, but it’s there. I’ve come out to everyone in my life now, except my parent-in-laws. I’ve held back on her parents to give my wife time to deal, but now it’s time. They are coming up to have a halloween cookout, so they find out on halloween and no, I’m not wearing a dress on halloween, they will get the mask I usually wear. The mask is for halloween, the real me isn’t a costume.

You are not in this world to live up to other people’s expectations, nor should you feel the world must live up to yours – F Perl.

My happiness is often tied to others, I have high expecations of others and feel let down when they don’t live up to my ideals. I also know that I don’t live up to others standards and I feel badly that I am not a better person. These are both really good ways to be continually unhappy. I keep forgetting that I don’t have to live up to anyones expectations but my own, and niether do they for me. On my list? Coming out for me, doing what I need to do for me, and not putting every single thing before me. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s just prudent.

…talking always feels like defending and I’m tired of asking for permission to exist. – Brie Spangler, Beast

A lot of times, I am trying to justify who I am in this blog. I want give you the reasons and the motivations and my impulses, I’m hopeful that I gain some acceptance, because I am looking for permission to be. It’s crazy I know, but in the back of my mind, I’m looking for commonality. So I’m no longer a freak, or odd or just plain out of my mind. Hiding me at such a young age, and knowing that I was losing myself, I gave away my personality and thought process to a majority rule. I allowed others to define who I was. Looking at my list, being more direct, becoming unappologetic for simply being me.

I love lists, I love seeing the sunlight and I love the snow when it falls in big flakes. I am Beth.

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