Upon Waking

Just before my eyes open, I register that I am here. My brain just a lightning quick check, all body parts accounted for. I open my eyes, not really registering anything, but secondary thought guides me into the bathroom, time to empty the bladder. As I go into the hallway, my brain starts registering detail. This is the worst part.

I enter the bathroom, I turn on the wrong light, the one with the exhaust fan. I turn it off and turn on the other one, the lights over the mirror. I look into the mirror and for a moment, fleeting as snow on the tongue, I am me. But the moment passes and it’s just the guy standing there. I turn away and go to the toilet. Sometimes, it’s standing, sometimes it’s sitting, it depends on how awake I am. Either way, penis is there, needing to be aimed. I ponder it, wondering what I did in another life to be punished in this way. I must have been a horrible person to be inside this body, to be holding this penis. Don’t get me wrong I like penises, I like the thought of them anyway. If one was attached to someone I am attracted to, then I like them a lot. I don’t like them attached to me.

I finish my business and wash my hands, sometimes. I turn out the light and go into the living room. If it is a work day, I take a moment to check my work phone for IT issues from work. Then I go back into the bedroom, get a pair of panties and socks. Then go back into the bathroom to take a shower. Again, the penis. Sometimes I masturbate then shower, sometimes I just shower. The masturbating is about tension release, it’s about more sometimes. I love the feeling of soapy water on my skin. My shaved legs are slippery and I feel so feminine.

I get out of the shower, I dry off, and shave my face. Every single day, shave the face. It hurts, it’s raw and I do it. I hate the feeling of stubble. I look into the mirror and focus on the eyes, I’m in there. I dry off and put on a nightgown and light cardigan I use as a robe. Sometimes, I will wear a wig, if I have time. Wigs leave marks on my forehead, and I have to re-wet my real hair and brush it so I have to have time. Sometimes I go out to the mailbox or walk the dog. I am almost daring cars going by to have a problem with me this damn early in the morning. Trans waking, please go on about your business.

I keep track of the time, minutes tick by. I will have to stop being me soon, sooner, done. I have to be him now, the mask, the guy. I go into the bedroom and turn on the light. My wife is usually up while I am walking the dog or checking mail. So she is on the couch. I look through my closet, part of it has pretty dresses, a few tunic shirts and some racy outfits for if I ever lose weight. I then look over at the other half and listlessly grab a mens button down shirt. I take off my nightgown and put on the shirt and a pair of womens jeans, so that I am not completely de-feminized. And I am out the door to work.

If it is the weekend, on Friday after work, I paint my nails. So the same thing, except when I get up and get out of the bathroom, I bemoan my nails with their sheet marks on them. Shrug and go about my business. I will get some tea made, then I take my shower. It takes much longer on the weekends, but I am ok with that. This is makeup time. I take a long shower, I don’t usually masturbate. I just want to feel feminine and not touching my own penis helps. I get out and start my makeup routine. I go back and forth from the bathroom to the bedroom, to get the bra that I forgot, or the right blouse. I finish, and put on my wig. I look into the mirror and this time, the guy is in the back just visible, and I am mostly there. Not all the way there, but enough to where I can squint my eyes and almost see me.

My days are numbered, I count them down.
I’m not me, but inside me.
The mask is my prison ground.
I didn’t want this, I wanted to be.

2 thoughts on “Upon Waking

  1. Stay strong Beth. Change is coming for you and although it may not cure everything you feel, it will make a difference.

    p.s. I know EXACTLY what you mean about sheet marks on nails! Very annoying. You can use nail oil to help dry the varnish and also dip your hands in cold water before going to bed. This helps set the polish.

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  2. I'm good, I just decided to go through a “day in the life” kind of post. I was thinking about what it is that I actually do every single day. In my head, “Another Day” plays and I wake up again. I know change is happening, it's never easy.
    Thanks for the tip on the nail polish! I will definitely try it tonight 🙂

    Like

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