I have an official appointment set up with my therapist!! I see her next Thursday! I am so excited and nervous and afraid and did I mention excited?! Another step, so many steps in the last month or so! It’s like I finally learned how to walk or something. I apologize for the exclamation points in the previous sentences, I’m just jazzed.
She was really nice, my therapist, I am going to call her Dr. L. Dr. L sounds nice and is excited to help me. She will be the first person, who isn’t family, to know my truth, to know Beth! (sorry)
I’m not going as me, I am coming straight from work since it is the latest time she has available and I will be in my “the guy” clothes. I hope I get out of this what I want to get out of this. I’m not sure what I want out of this. I want to just be me, I want to be told that it’s ok? or perhaps that I have been waiting for no reason this is perfectly natural? I don’t know, I don’t think I need her to tell me anything, I just want someone to listen to me and not judge me before hand on how “the guy” has always had to act or what he has said to maintain his manhood facade.
I am going to try my best to just be me, to tell her how I feel and where I have problems. We all have issues, and as with all transgender I tend to fall into a certain type. Depressed, introvert, untrusting and pessimistic, a few of my favorite issues. So we will see. I am just glad I am moving forward, like a pretty shark. It means everything that I am not standing still, that I am not just typing at this blog explaining over and over why I haven’t done anything.
I don’t judge anyone for not transitioning, I firmly believe you find your own balance with what you can handle and what life brings. But I can’t not do it, I have to do it. Another step on the stairs to being me.
Incidentally, I would love to debate those who think that being gay or transgender is a choice, step into our shoes and see if you think that we would choose to work so very hard to just simply be. Preaching – Choir I know. I am excited and I have all these thoughts going through my mind.