The Opposite of Joy

I have been avoiding. People, places and things. There is nothing that can hit you quite as hard as deep, dark depression. As transgender, most of us are depressed, so I am not illuminating any truths here. But I was side-swiped by my wife on telling our daughter and I still haven’t come to terms with what it actually means about us as a couple.

So I’m still not doing anything. My entire life I’ve had to fake it for others and now I am stalled out because of someone else’s issues. Unfortunately it’s someone I love and don’t want to lose. I don’t know how to make her feel comfortable with this. She is perfectly fine if you are gay, or a drag queen or a gay drag queen, I don’t understand why she isn’t alright with me just being me. Sure this is close to home for her and there are two transgender people in the immediate family. It’s a bit odd, having two, but I didn’t set it up, hell until just a year ago our son was a female lesbian. I didn’t come out first, so I am the one who has to wait? How does that make sense?

Anyway, I don’t have much to write, just letting the three people 🙂 who read this know that I am still here. I’m still standing, just not happy about it. I’ll find a way to kick back around, to being alright and in life again. Just not yet.

2 thoughts on “The Opposite of Joy

  1. There is no rhyme or reason in how people we love behave and sometimes you will never know why they are accepting of some diversity and not others. My mum is very 'gay' and 'drag' friendly and worked in London in the 50/60's in the fashion trade however I don't think she will be as accepting when we tell her about Lucy (she will love the gossip though!) For me I have come across 2 types of trans people. Those who decide now is the time for them to be their true selves who shout it from the rooftops and out themselves to one and all without any consideration for their loved ones and then there are the very few who consider their loved ones to the nth degree, over-thinking every scenario and about all the people it will affect – you and Lucy fall into this category. I had to push Lucy to tell M and even the day before she nearly backed out of everything trying to convince herself she could live relatively happy as man as she has done for the past 43 years….. this was not true of course and actually it turned out better than she could ever have thought. The twilight world (in between the 2 lives) can be pretty dark if you feel you are there on your own.

    I can't guarantee your daughter will be fine or that it will sort out with your wife but I do believe honesty is the best policy especially when it is eating you up inside.

    p.s. I'm pretty sure there are more than 3 of us that enjoy reading your blogs and supporting you

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  2. I replied this morning, but then my phone signal dropped in this faraday cage of a building and I lost my reply. So, I will try again, but it will not be as well thought out now that I have people in the office demanding attention. First, thank you Avril, for taking the time to reply and for being so helpful. I appreciate the small support group that this blog has provided, you and others have kept me sane and on the right path. I hope that I can repay that one day, that I can help you or others when you need it. So, I was thinking of telling R without my wife’s presence. I think that my wife is resistant to change and doesn’t want to deal with this because it will mean that I’m not just, in her eyes, dressing up for an hour or two in the mornings before R wakes up. That I will be mostly full time and I don’t know if it scares her that she might lose the me she loves or perhaps she just can’t see past the guy I am forced to be inside of.

    So I think that it might be best to tell R alone, like I did the others. What do you think? I don’t like leaving my wife out, but I don’t know how to please her on this, I can’t just keep being this guy. And her option is to not tell R, with no actual starting point in sight. What will waiting one year do, other than set me back a year? Will R suddenly be able to handle it because a year has gone by? What about 2 years or 5, perhaps if she is never told. This is the feeling I get from my wife when she says to wait with no reasoning for the delay.

    Anyway, my response earlier was much more eloquent and heartfelt. And I know more than three people read this blog, I tend to be very self-deprecating, don’t know where I picked that up I used to be very arrogant in my youth.

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