Like a Mantra

“I am very tired of having to be something I am not in order to please other people.”

I’m saying this a lot in my head, I’m saying this a lot out loud too. I am very tired of having to be someone else just to make others comfortable. My wife is always a little different around me when I am “Beth”. Not that she would know my name, she hasn’t even asked or considered. She is much shorter tempered when I am Beth and not the guy. She likes to pretend that she is for LGBT, but that is as long as it doesn’t make her uncomfortable. Having a gay daughter, that was fine, no outward appearances to be problematic, she didn’t sprout a third arm. But find out the daughter is actually a son and suddenly things change, that stiff awkwardness begins. She has mellowed on it since, at least until Martin starts sporting a beard or something. I’m wondering at what point she will stop calling her by his given name and start using the proper pronouns. I use “she” and (the girl name) when I am around my wife, as she gets that stiff awkwardness going. And when I am being me, whom I have dubbed “Elizabeth Anne Locke”, that stiff awkwardness and avoidance hits a high note. She won’t go outside with me if she can avoid it and her looking at me isn’t happening either.

I know I’m not traditionally pretty and thin, perhaps that would make it easier on her, easier to accept me as who I am. So, every time we do this, the me being me and her being all avoidy, it hurts me. I know this is hard on her, but she doesn’t have to be me or deal with my issues, she just has to accept me. So, it makes it kind of difficult to sympathize when she isn’t carrying the weight of a lifetime of dealing with this secret and having to pretend she is something she isn’t.

I don’t even want to think about how emotional I will be with HRT going, I’m already highly strung apparently.

(Post Script) Yes, I know most of this is me just venting. I can’t read people, I definitely can’t read my wife, nor read her mind. That doesn’t make me less upset or fearful or annoyed with what I can only do but perceive. So take my rants with a huge grain of salt, pillar or what have you.

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