I have always been so careful. I spent my life, honing the skills I needed to survive, to hide. I blend into the melee, I don’t stand out unless I have ample room for escape or the current mindset for subterfuge. I spent 30+ years never sharing who I am.
Then this morning, my son, the one I have been having problems with, walked outside at 6am. Previous to this, he has never gotten up this early. Previous to this, the earliest he has ever woken up is 9am. So imagine my surprise when he walked outside, while I was outside sitting on our iron-wrought swing. I, of course, was being me, hair/dress/shoes/makeup. I think he was stunned for a moment, but he played it off well to go be stunned elsewhere.
I didn’t run inside and change. I didn’t avoid the issue with him. I gave him a little time and then I talked to him, still dressed as the me I am inside. I gave him the reasons for why I didn’t tell him, I explained to him who I am, so that he didn’t perceive me as a transvestite or anything else than what I actually am. I wanted him to understand, I’m a woman masquerading as a man. He is still stunned, it will take him a bit. He just needs time.
I also explained that this has nothing to do with anything else. I have to hide from my youngest daughter until she is ready, until she doesn’t tell her friends every single thing and risk my losing my job. I told him that I didn’t come out to him because I can’t count on him, I can’t trust him to make the right decisions for himself, much less for me. It’s a big secret, it’s a lot of trust I hadn’t planned on giving him for a while. I’m nervous and scared, but mostly I am relieved and calm, odd right? I know things can go south very quickly, that he could use this as leverage in our issues. But I have to hope he will do the right thing, to take his own responsibility. This is not a test for him, it’s a test for both of us.
So now, three down, one to go. I want to tell her so badly. I don’t want a secret to be the thing that changes our relationship, but it has to change in some way. I have to wait, it’s not time yet, soon.