We need to be. The choices we have are driven by the need to be who we are. We aren’t choosing to be women and then altering ourselves to fit that choice. We are women and we make choices to try to fit our perception of ourselves. Need drives the transgender. Need drives our choices to change. In the hundreds of small unabashed thoughts per day, where you say to yourself, “I wish I was just a girl”, you realize there is no real choice.
I recently was thoroughly disgusted with everything about me, I was just so pissed off at being a man but not being a man at all. I was angry that I had to shave, that I don’t smell like I should, that I’ve got this thing between my legs that marks me. I’m a woman, god damn it. I’m not this man! I was very very angry. I don’t know who I was angry with, myself or god or science or the cosmos. I was just angry and upset and I wanted to cry. I did cry and I felt a little better, but not a lot. It took me a while to shake free of the feeling, but I’m not really free. That anger is still there below the surface. Not mad, crazy anger, more of a sad smoldering.
I first started this blog with an idea that I could just be me on the inside like I always have. I compartmentalized my need, pushing it away from my thoughts. Like all issues that are pushed down, eventually they come back up again. I would have bursts of having to be who I am, of hating myself for needing to be a woman. I hated myself for not just being a normal guy and being happy in that role. Of course that didn’t work out at all. It isn’t about “wants” or “feelings”, it falls down to “need”. The inevitable, but regrettably late in life, realization that all the things I have done in my life would have been better, had I lived it as the woman I am and not the guy I pretended to be.
I nearly always laugh when I see someone post about how trannies are guys pretending to be girls. First omitting that there are plenty of FtM (they seem to be forgotten in a lot of Transgender articles lately), and second it is completely the other way around for Transgender. Being MtF is a woman pretending to be a man, with a sadly anatomically correct costume.
As I said, I started the blog wanting to just express that I am Trans, that I am who I am. I didn’t want to get any surgeries, I didn’t want to go through all of it just to be altered into a facade of what I am on the inside. As I went through all of this, reading others posts, reading my own posts again, I realized I didn’t write this blog to stay the same. I wrote this because I needed to change, I needed to try anything to be who I truly am on the inside. Even if it is only a facade, a shadow of who I am.
I don’t enjoy this, I wish there was something that made me happier about being transgender. I truly only want to be a normal girl with normal problems. It’s all about wishes and dreams with me, I know.
No, I don’t think my life would be better if I were physically a woman. I think it would finally be my life if I were physically a woman. Right now, it’s (ENTER MALE NAME HERE) life, and not Beth’s. I haven’t lived my life, my entire life. It’s enough, if you bring down the walls of compartmentalizing, to make one want to end it all. I show only what I allow to show, I laugh when it is expected to laugh, I make jokes to mask over inadequacies. I cry only when I can be alone to do so, or with someone I trust to know who I actually am. My life is about not enjoying anything, not to give any part of me away to anyone. So, despite the things I have done, the places I have been, I have not lived my life at all. So it’s sad. The need has always been there, to be me. I am only now coming to terms with that. I should have done this long ago. I truly hope that those who are young and transgender start right away, that they get to live as much of their lives as possible instead of pretending to live.
I want ice cream, I want to be comfortably wealthy. I have a psychological imperative to be the woman I am both inside and outside.