A lot of thoughts for a Monday

I am mentally preparing myself. I am trying to physically prepare myself. I am already making changes to my home.

 

(Let me explain the home changes first) I live in a very small part of a very small town. This means that the one neighbor I have is not only close-minded, but fully in support of the Christian right without ever stepping foot in a church. So, to that end I have decided to alter our landscape a bit. I am, at this moment, having a privacy fence installed separating our properties. They are also dodgy neighbors, so a fence is called for in any circumstance. The privacy part means I don’t have to wear gender neutral or men’s clothes while I do yard work, which is a bonus! Also, I have a little girl who likes to sunbathe and she felt weird last summer with the neighbors sitting on their porch watching her.

 

The Physical preparation is that I am working out and eating healthy. I am trying to not only lose weight I needed to lose regardless; I am trying to feel better. I have a treadmill and I am starting to use my yoga mat for actual yoga. My son, Martin, is in very good shape so I am hopeful that he will give me pointers and encouragement. And yes, I want to look good in the clothes I will be wearing.

 

I grew up in a small town in Missouri. I had very little opportunity to be who I actually was. I had moments, wearing my little sisters’ clothes, or wearing my stepmothers’ clothes. I would be able to spend an hour or so feeling feminine, before having to take them off and put the boys’ clothes I was allowed to wear back on. I was attracted to girls, but also to a few boys. I was a girl in a boy’s body; it was all very confusing for me. So if I didn’t understand it, how could anyone else? How could I exist in a small town like that? Yet here I am again, in another small town. Now I have the ravages of testosterone to live down, which will never go away. I am going to get clocked, no matter what I do or the surgeries I have done. I don’t have the personality to pull off being the eccentric transgender, I don’t have the grace to be the lady above it all. It’s going to be tough and mostly not fun, but I will get to be a version of me, that is better than nothing at all.


I’m actually more worried about what all this is doing to my wife. She supports me, but in a “whatever you feel you need to do” kind of way. I don’t expect her to be excited, I’m not sure what I expect. She likes drag queens and gay men, she thinks they are awesome. I feel as if it would have been better for her if I had just been a gay man, more easily accepted. Again this is just the feeling I have and it’s entirely possible that I am completely wrong in this assumption. Since I have come out to her, our sex life has been going down to a slow crawl. Of course it’s never been a frenzy pace. I feel like she isn’t attracted to me, that despite her assertions that she is bi-sexual it doesn’t extend to transgender. We are certainly having a lot less sex. Though she didn’t seem to mind sex while I was wearing a nightgown, it wasn’t planned, one of those early morning, delicious slow sex things, and I wear a nightgown most nights. I don’t know, she could be stressed, tired or tired and stressed etc. 


Ok so jumping past that, I had something peculiar happen the other day. I was looking at some porn on Reddit, yes  porn, I like looking at women to see body types and breasts I would like. Yes I also look at cocks, that isn’t for research, just for fun. Anyway, I am looking at porn, in the very early morning, wearing a tight pair of panties in place of a gaff. Well I reached down and to my surprise, I had ejaculated. I wasn’t hard at all, my penis was retracted into me, which I prefer to tucking, as it feels more comfortable.  It was very odd, I have no problems getting erect. In fact it’s damn annoying how often I get hard. Makes it very uncomfortable when I am tucked. So now I have shared too much, right? Well it would be nice to know how or why this happened in this way. I’m not worried, I’m actually kind of glad. I felt like I was aroused without my penis really being a factor, more of an emotional orgasm.


I want to start HRT, I have to do something, even if I have to travel out of town to meet with a therapist. Things have to change, very soon.

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