Secrets that we keep

Secrets (secrets) are no fun

Secrets (secrets) hurt someone

Let me tell you how it all began 

A little secret got out of hand

 

I am a waffle, well no, I am a pancake. But I do waffle about. I vacillate between telling my children and not telling them… yet

I want to tell them, just get it out, just say the damn words. But I can’t help feeling like this is opening a lot of issues for them, and yes for me. I don’t want to hide something from them, but hiding is my default setting.

 

There are a few times this last week where I would have just told them, I was on the precipice. And I backed away, I didn’t jump. I don’t know why I have this feeling like I would lose any respect I have fought hard to keep in the face of my (step) children. I hate using “step” anything. They are my children, for one of them, I am the only father she has ever known. I don’t want to lose respect and authority. I was brought up by a dad that was not the best at being dad, he had a hard time in my earlier childhood being a man who wasn’t a boy, an angry boy. So my want to be a good father, a loved and cherished father, is pretty strong.

 

I shouldn’t feel this way. Being the gender I am should have nothing to do with my ability to be a parent. But I am just as affected by societies views of transgender as anyone. We are made to feel marginalized, separate from even the people who are allies. The fallacy of the LGBT grouping is in the view that somehow we fit into that situation. Sure some of us, myself included are sexual-orientation fluid, or gay. But a lot of us are straight, so how does our gender play into sexual orientation? It doesn’t, so we don’t actually fit, we are the square peg in this scenario. So, yes I feel bad for being what I am. I feel like I should just be able to get over it, or ignore it and it may, some day go away. (in  40+ years this hasn’t happened) Want to take bets on if this will ever happen? Want to see if, at the very end of my life, I’m not feeling exactly the same as I always have?

 

I don’t get to choose what gender I am, any more than you can choose to be a giraffe.

 

So, I want to tell my kids. I want them to accept me as I am, not as I present currently to them. I just don’t want to lie to them anymore, I don’t want to hide. So I am going to have to woman up and just do it. It’s better now than later, they should know before I take any more steps to becoming somewhat what I am inside.

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