I’ve got so many things going on right now. I’ve listed them all before so I won’t go over them again. But I feel like I keep exhaling and I can’t get my breath. I am waiting to start the yoga (there is NO place for it right now, waiting for our son to finally move out, again), we are getting a treadmill but I have to wait for that until taxes come in. I have a lot of feminization exercises, but again, space needed. So in a week or so I will be able to work off some of this tension and just get out of my head.
Everything is about work right now, I am just trying to keep everything going in a place I likely won’t even be able to work in a years time. Nice that I’m putting in all the effort for a lot of people that won’t accept me when they find out who I actually am. They won’t care that I am the person who always made things happen, or that I was the one with the great ideas. My six sigma-lean green belt and all my certificates will just be confetti in the face of my being a woman. My gender, or the speculation of my gender will define me soon. I won’t be me to them, I will be that .
Is there a way to make someone understand that you have always been you? That despite the clothes and hair and makeup, despite the cosmetic changes, you have always been a girl? There isn’t. While most people individually are smart and can be altruistic, put them in a group and you have the same people trying to throw a rope up in a tree because they believe that people with black skin aren’t the same human beings as them. Mob rules are harsh and unforgiving, and the workplace is just another mob waiting to happen. I’ve made my peace with looking for another job, I’m trying to time it correctly and find a place that isn’t so far gone into stupid that they can accept good workers as well, good workers.
I’m sad that the things that will change the most won’t be me, it will be the people around me. I will just be changing my appearance, my thoughts and my soul will still be firmly female. The people I know will change in drastic ways, they will become mean and spiteful, suddenly religious-ish, or they will become so supportive that I will question their motives. I am sad that things didn’t work out so that I did this sooner in life so that I could live longer not involved in deception.
I’m happy though, as well. I’m happy in my marriage. Not one day goes by that I am wishing I hadn’t married my wife. I couldn’t have ever said that, not even for one day about my previous marriage. I’m happy in my life, I’m happy that change for me is positive. That it may take a while, but I will be as me as I can get.
So, despite the stress and despite the sadness, I am basically happy and intend on it still being so in moments I will want to remember. Thanks for reading this, I actually feel better for typing it. A small breath, in this moment.