Behind and Ahead

It’s been a crazy year, right up to the end. New house, we moved and then moved our oldest back, and moved her parents three times (different apartments/houses). New job, I am officially an IT manager for a new company today, after spending the last three months working non-stop to close our old facility and move it to a new one, which still hasn’t ended technically. I finally told someone, my now wife, the truth about me, the one thing I could not ever bring up to anyone. I am a woman trapped within this body, I am transgender and have been since living memory. It was also the year that I got married to the woman I have loved for over 20 years, since I met her long ago and she was 19.

So, I don’t like new years resolutions. They give an unrealistic expectation of what is to come, like you can control that. Instead I am going to say what I would like to happen, what I would like to work towards, whether it happens or not will be up to me, fate, and circumstance.

I want to transition. Well, I don’t want to, I want to just be the girl I am inside, but I want to transition since magically changing doesn’t seem to be working.

I want to lose weight, again. I was trim in my youth, I was trim not too long ago as well, but I let depression take over and found all sorts of excuses for not exercising. I want to be pretty, think me shallow if you wish, but I want to be found attractive and not foolish. I want to look in the mirror and cry only because I am not a woman and not because I am not a woman and I look and feel horrible.

I want to come out to everyone. Tall order. Lots of moving parts. A lot of pain to ask for. I hate not sharing this with my best friend, I feel I am lying to him all the time, the sin of omission. I hate lying to anyone. I am good at it, I think, but it makes me feel horrible. I have been feeling this way for a long time now. Why should they care about what gender I am? Shouldn’t they be happy that I am dressing far nicer than I ever did in boy mode?

And lastly, I want to be a better parent to my children and a better spouse to my wife. Don’t get me wrong, I am pretty good already, but I have raised the bar a bit and I like to excel. 🙂

I hope that all of your hopes and dreams in the new year come to fruition. That you are able to hold on to the moments of happiness that get you through tragedy and pain. I hope for you, peace and understanding, joy and love.

I wish for you so much.

That you find yourself,
if you find that you are lost.

That change happens,
if change is what you wish.

That hope is kept,
when all you have is hope.

That you remember, pronouns are not the answer to your well being. That words don’t define you and approval of others is something earned and not given. That you remember that though we have not met, we are kindred, so you have family no matter how distant.

Go into the new year and live with hope and perhaps a new resolution. Have faith in yourself.

4 thoughts on “Behind and Ahead

  1. What a big year you had, Beth! That's more stress than most get in three years. I think you can be excused for letting your body slip a little.

    I suspect you will make progress on most of those goals. That's all that one can ask.

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  2. It has been very stressful. Other people have it worse than me, I have to keep telling myself that. I have it pretty good, despite not being who I should be. One step at a time, I just want to be moving forward.

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  3. I've been catching up on your blog Beth. You and I are on pretty similar paths. I hope your new year goals come to fruition, and that you keep moving forward.

    And btw, I think you're pretty (even though I haven't seen you). 🙂

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  4. Ahh, thank you TiffanyAnne. I think that a lot of my goals are coming together, some more than others. The transition part isn't moving much, but any progress is good. It's all about keeping myself employed for the time being.

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