The anatomy of Dark Thoughts

I want to be clear, thinking about something doesn’t translate to acting on the thought.

So, at one time or another we all think about ending it, shuffling off the mortal coil in a force-able manner. Suicide is an easy concept, but a tricky foe. We all have our reasons for wanting to end this life, perhaps the pain is too much, or we hope for a better next life, or we simply see no way out of what seems like the darkest, loneliest road imaginable.

I have had fleeting thoughts of suicide in the last 15 years, nothing defined but still enough to scare me. So I found myself wondering, what is it in me that is causing me to have these thoughts? This is where the tricky part comes in. For me it was a lot of small things, very little issues that come and go in life that never seem to actually “go”. None of these things alone seem to be anything at all, barely even registering with my subconscious. But once these little things build up it seems almost designed to cause a singular reaction.

My life is not bad, it’s pretty good actually, but I have very intense stress points, my exwife, my transsexual-ness, my pressure from work and many many more things. Over time I have found that you can be happy but still have this shadow hanging over you. I hope for a better life, I really hope that the next life I am in the body I am supposed to be in, that I won’t be this stranger to myself. So there is a speck of appeal in ending it now to get to the next. But there is no guarantee of a next life, it’s just a hopeful wish. Ending it all would end my issues, but life is not about being completely happy, you find that in moments. It’s about the struggle, to be there for your children, for your spouse, or simply to be alive in the world and appreciate all the good things that are in it. I don’t have a magic wand to get rid of the feelings, in the end you have to find what motivates you.

Suicidal thoughts are like water, they will follow the easiest path. Soon, it becomes a stream, then a river, then you are drowning in an ocean and it seems there is no shore in sight. This progression is just as easy in a group of people on a sunny day as it is being alone in darkness. How many times have you seen someone who seemed happy and had everything going for them, yet they committed suicide? Finding reasons to live isn’t about getting what you want, it’s about learning that life is worth the struggle.

These are my opinions, I’m not a psychiatrist, I don’t have training. I’m just one of those people struggling in life like everyone else.

2 thoughts on “The anatomy of Dark Thoughts

  1. Too much of a coward to consider ending things actively, but there have been times that if someone had said to me, “You only have a week to live”, my first thought would have been, “Well, that's a relief”.
    And then, two days later, I catch myself singing along to the radio.

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  2. I think that would account for a majority of our MO's. There are obviously those who are deeper down the rabbit hole, those who's personal misery and loneliness are so profound that they see nothing before them. It's hard to get help when you are just feeling bad, it is near impossible to get it when you are at the point where the contemplation is over and the acting has begun. I am in awe of those who manage to get help at that point, I can't even imagine the pain they had to fight through. I am not belittling your, nor my emotional pain, it is legitimate and is where everyone begins before that descent into darkness. I understand where you are at, because there are times where I have felt that way as well.

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