Love and understanding

I spend a lot of time, lurking on different T sites, reading about those who are in process of transitioning and those who are non-transitioning. So, basically, I spend a lot of time crying. Feeling like you are not alone stirs the emotions. I have to start forcing myself to participate, to trust that others are on these sites to learn, to engage. It’s hard to trust faceless strangers, since I don’t trust my closest friends to understand. 


I know that my wife understands the idea of being Transgender, I know that she can empathize with my feelings. However, she doesn’t really know, doesn’t really get it. For instance, if I bring up “I am Cait” on dvr, I can sense her stiffen, can feel the silence. So, while she is cool with it, I think she is cool as long as she isn’t forced to actually encounter it with me. I can only assume, I don’t know her feelings, perhaps I am reading a lot into things because I am uncomfortable sharing my secret, no matter how I trust her. Being comfortable is something I usually do solo. It could be that she is afraid that I will change, that our relationship will change. It’s possible, I can’t deny that change happens, even in “normal” marriages.

I can’t say that I’m not pansexual in my preferences, it’s something I’ve always tried to understand about myself. It’s a matter of perspective I believe. For a man to be attracted to me (which has happened a few times in my 20’s) it didn’t do anything for me because they were attracted to the man, not me. I think that if a man were attracted to me as a woman, I would welcome it, though this is purely speculation. I certainly fantasize about it. Overall, I am attracted to women, and of course my wife. I don’t cheat, I am a monogamist. I married the girl I have loved for 20+ years, so I am happy with my love life. If I were to fully transition, I would still want to be with her. I’m worried that even without transitioning, if the little things I do to feel somewhat normal, shaving my legs, wearing clothes that men typically don’t wear, may be causing her to push away from me. I don’t know, I am a worrier. I still haven’t told her about my blog. It seems a passive aggressive way of telling her how I am feeling. Or perhaps it is just my cowardice to engage people who mean something to me. I have so few people I let into just my pretend life, I can only imagine the desolation I would face, if I let them into my actual life.

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