What it means to be non-transitioning

We all have our problems. I think most transgenders first problem is that they weren’t physically born the gender they should be. I don’t know of anyone that likes being transgender. Now for non-transitioning transgender, we aren’t typically targeted by bigots or the right wing religious zealots. However, we endure the pain of their words and hate. We can get by in the world, on the outside. On the inside we mourn, on the inside we contemplate ending it all at some point. Non-transitioning doesn’t mean we accept who we are, it means we have trouble accepting physical changes as a real solution. My getting surgery doesn’t make me a girl, I already am, but my body will now be this imitation of a girl in the most shallow of ways. I’m not saying that those who do change their bodies are wrong or imitations, they are brave and glorious for their courage. I just feel this way about myself.

I don’t want to be trans, I want to be me, just a girl.

Being non-transitioning means we don’t have an outlet. Right now, I am wearing a cute little black skater dress. I can appreciate that I feel feminine, but I can’t look in a mirror or the spell is broken. It is currently 5 am and I will have to be careful to change into mens clothes in a bit before my children wake up. I would be mortified if my wife saw me wearing a dress. She knows I have them, I have shown her what I buy. But I don’t want her to look at me while I wear them, I am stuck in this male body. So, I have early mornings and when everyone is out of the house to wear the things that make me feel somewhat normal. It’s a rare thing. Even then I can’t go outside during the day in what I want to wear, I would feel horrible if anyone saw this “guy” wearing a sun dress. I want them to see what I feel, this woman wearing a sun dress on a nice day. On the inside, I curl up into myself in pain.

So, sure we have a luxury, that of getting by as our physical selves, but we die a little more each day for not being who we are. Our entire lives are spent acting like we are this person in the mirror.

4 thoughts on “What it means to be non-transitioning

  1. Thank you Calie, I tend to be a loner. I believe most Trans are introverts out of necessity. So it is easy to forget there are other people on the other side of the screen. I forget that sometimes, it's nice to be reminded it's not a one way street, it's a plaza.

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  2. Ivhere you and currently as a non transition transgender i feel what you ar saying id so true. Recently i have come out to my partner and feel everything you have talked about and do. I even now sneek avlittle estrogen into my day just to feel in touch with who i am.

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  3. Hello Sarah! I'm working my life up to transitioning. I go back and forth on what I feel. But I think it is just a part of life, we all make changes, big and small. Being transgender has nothing to do with transitioning, it's merely ones state of being. Choices are what define you as transitioning, and being T has nothing to do with choice. I'm so glad you came out to your partner, that is a huge step, you have so much courage to do that! I haven't started HRT yet, I'm trying to keep my job and if I start developing breasts, I'm sure as hell not going to hide them by binding. 🙂 Do you feel as if transitioning would be too hard? Or perhaps your circumstance doesn't allow for it? I'm interested in your story if you are willing to tell it.

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