Feelings, nothing more than feelings

I haven’t had a lot of time lately. Dealing with the urgent care, only to have found nothing to account for how I was feeling. And now next week I will deal with the full week of intense IT meetings with four different companies. I’m a bit overwhelmed, but that is probably more due to my going to the worst case scenario in everything. I think that sometimes I would have been better served if I had never learned that term, but the die is cast and I am forever a worrier and a pessimist. It’s unfortunate, pessimists don’t want to be that way, we truly want to be optimists but we can’t bring ourselves to be so foolish as to believe that things are inherently going to work out. I’m just trying to deal with everything and I can’t let anyone else help me deal with them.

Trust is something that has never been in my nature. My father was abusive when I was younger, he liked to punch and use this belt with wire wound around the edges on my legs. He didn’t handle stress in any kind of positive way. Later on in life we managed to be good with each other. I forgave him while I was in the military. He died last year, but I’m glad he knew that I didn’t hate him, that I loved him in spite of what he did as a young father. He was a good grandfather and a pretty decent older dad. But I never really learned to trust anyone. So I am an introvert and guarded. The most I open up is on this blog, and to be honest, even here I hold back a lot. I don’t want to be seen as complaining and I don’t divulge things willingly. Yes, even in a diary to myself I would hide things. Pathetic, I know.

I place small amounts of trust in people and they always manage to let me down. It’s a vicious circle. I probably sabotage any real attempt at trust so I won’t have to be close enough to anyone to get hurt by them. I love my wife and I love my kids, I trust my wife but I can’t fully open up to her, as much as I want to. There is this wall and I can throw things over it, but I can’t find a door.

Anyway, I’ve got feelings and wanted to get them out. Sorry, nothing today about my TG issues, this is all about my insides.

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