Something old, something new

I haven’t posted in a couple of days, I’m exhausted. We are having our wedding in 8 days at our home, so family is coming in and I am just trying to get everything done. I am worried that my Mom will pick my yard apart with critiques. (she is a yard junkie) On top of the wedding, I am meeting the VP of my new company (we just recently were bought out) at the end of this month and I am the new IT manager, so I have to prove my worth. I have a list of things that my new boss wants me to accomplish for a new site that we are building, it’s all very stressful. I’m a computer person, always have been, since a Vic 20 was shown to me by a friend, I was hooked. Except I have never been in IT. I have always had jobs around it, but never actually in IT. Now I am a manager, it’s daunting and I don’t want to let anyone down.

So we are getting married, I have spoken to my fiance ad nauseum, asking her if  she is sure. I am worried that though I have been honest with her, for her this is all relatively new. She says she is fine with it, that it doesn’t bother her, perhaps it doesn’t. I don’t know, I have to trust her to know if she is ok with marrying a transgender person. I feel badly that I am how I am, I thought I would feel better after telling her the truth. Thing is, I don’t think I feel better. I think I feel somehow worse. Like I am making her deal with my issues. I feel like crying. It could just be stress, but I feel like crying.

I want to be a woman so badly on the outside, I want to match so badly with how I feel on the inside.

Here is another wrinkle, I haven’t told you, dear internet. Our daughter (one of my stepdaughters) who is 17, who had already come out to us several years ago as gay, has come to us to ask for permission for hormone treatments. Ordinarily, we would be fine with this, and though she doesn’t know that I am transgender, I have a unique outlook on her situation. However, she has started dating and currently living with a 23 year old woman who we believe is pushing her to this. Our daughter, who is still in high school, has never shown a propensity for being transgender. As recently as this year she has spent every dollar she made on dresses and makeup, despite our wishing she would save the money. This all changed a month after she started dating her now girlfriend.

We are very open minded, and she had no trouble at all with coming to us and letting us know she was gay. We have always supported her decisions. This doesn’t feel like her decision, it feels like she is trying to please her girlfriend who has a strong influence in their relationship. We told her that we would not give her permission for hormone treatments. We want her to wait the 10 months until she is 18, and she can make that decision for herself. I am hopeful that will give her time to truly think about what she wants and the reasons why she wants it. I should say that we tried to get her to go to a therapist who specializes in transgender, which she would need in order to take the hormones legally anyway. She refused to go. So I don’t know if we made the right decision. I don’t want her to wait too long to do something if she is serious, but I don’t want her to find out that this is something she is wanting because someone else is actually wanting it. A bilateral mastectomy would be a horrible thing to go through for someone else, it should be for you, not trying to make someone else happy.

Any thoughts on this? Are we being too harsh?

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