Trying to convince you, or me

I can understand the feeling that my being non-transitioning would make me seem less serious than those who are transitioning. I am a woman, I have always been female since my earliest cohesive memory. This isn’t a burgeoning fantasy, or something “cool” to be. I hate it. I hate that I am not who I am. I hate that I have hidden who I am all my life in the belief that my parents would be hurt in some way, or even disown me. That my grandparents would not accept me. I didn’t want to be alone in life.

It has been building for years, thinking there was nothing I could do, then finding out there are things I can do. But when I found that you could change, transition, the results I saw were horrifying. Plastic and fake looking, these were to me, a parody of being. I didn’t want to be a man in women’s clothes, I didn’t want to be an obviously surgically altered man in women’s clothes either.  They have advanced since then, and in that time I have bemoaned my getting married to a person who was already violently intolerant of her gay sister, she would have left me without a thought if I had come out to her. I was trying to be the man the world wanted me to be. I failed in that I think, in many ways.

I want to change, but I’m getting too old, and money would be an issue. I have responsibilities to my family, to my kids. In the scheme of things, I managed to still have a good life. I burn with regret, I still hate having the body of a man. But, I have good friends, and a good life despite it. I have a wonderful woman and children that I love. Changing now only hurts everyone I know and love. Changing now is a last minute grasp at some personal happiness.  I know who I am inside, perhaps that will be enough, now that it’s so late in the game.

7 thoughts on “Trying to convince you, or me

  1. It's never too late, but you may have to make several big sacrifices to get where you need to be. I did it, but the losses along the way were severe. It was still worth it, though, to be who I am now. And only one bit of surgery (the essential bit).

    Lucy

    Like

  2. Beth,
    Its all to easy for people to look at those whose situations are different to their own and think that they aren't serious because they are doing things differently. I was on the receiving end when someone decided that because I wasn't pushing forward with my own transition that I wasn't serious enough about it. My situation was similar to yours, wife, son, my family, my in-laws. If they didn't react well to the fact of me being transsexual and going to transition then I could have lost a lot in my life.

    Its very, very hard to make the decision to do that. Its equally, if not more so, hard to decide to not transition and continue to live a life that you know isn't the one that you would live if the situation was different. I totally respect anyone who decides to live with being their birth gender while knowing that its not their real gender.

    Like

  3. Lucy, thanks. I waffle back and forth between wanting to be who I am and knowing that whatever I do will be a shadow of who I feel I am inside. If I had started younger, the changes would have been more significant. We suffer for something we have no control over. You were brave to face the loss to be who you are.

    Like

  4. I agree, Jenna. Nothing about being transgender is easy. I know I tend to go on about age, but it is a big factor. The older you are, the more likely you are to have more responsibilities and dependents. It becomes so much harder later on in life, and by the time you realize it, it's feeling a lot like too late. Family has to come first for me, as a parent you have to put others first. It isn't easy, it isn't fun.

    Like

  5. I too able to relate to your post and thoughts. There are many of us in similar circumstances and ultimately “we” tend to think about others and keep our own personal needs at bay. May be “love” of others and being “scared” on what may or may not happen if we attempt to go our own way, that makes us decide to “compromise” and make the most of what we have? However, everyone is different. Take care. xx

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s