Confused and confounded

Growing up I would develop crushes on girls in tv shows and movies, I also would pray to any entity that would listen that he/she would change me into one of them. Not the actress themselves, just their likeness. I was so utterly confused by my feelings and already withdrawn from almost everyone. I really really liked girls, but I also wanted to be them, I didn’t know what to do. Throw in the confusion of being in love with my best friend who was a boy, and I am very surprised, looking back, that I hadn’t tried something foolish like suicide. I never entertained it, only in looking back do I ponder why it never entered my mind. I would spend the night at his house a lot, and we slept in the same bed. He wasn’t the kind of boy to be attracted to other boys, but that didn’t stop me from lying there at night, wishing he would roll over and kiss me. Once he had inadvertently spooned me, I had woken up very early, and he was rock hard against me. I pushed into him, feeling him against me, in the silent hope he would take the next step, but it didn’t happen, he released me and turned over, still asleep. My crush on my friend eventually went away, and I never had that feeling for another man, though I can appreciate them as sexy or handsome. It took me years to understand that I going to love who I love and I don’t really care what gender they are, it’s about the soul, about them as a person. It’s always been women since, but I think that it could have been men if I had met the right one.

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