I try to be the kind of person who takes what is given to them and deals with it. I have had friends who get great jobs, or who have earned wonderful opportunities, and I always try to be glad for them. I like to think that I don’t react with jealousy. I want people to do well, I want my friends to especially do well. So when I say that there are times in which I am jealous of other people, I want you to understand that I don’t enjoy feeling that way.
There are times, where I am jealous of girls for being able to just be girls. I won’t, in this life, be able to be a girl. I could be a man who changes into a woman, or a man who wears womens clothes, pretending to be a woman. There is no brain transplant, there is no change for me that is real. I know it’s petty to be jealous, and I don’t always feel that way, but it does sneak up on me from time to time.
I feel, in many ways like this is a half life, a displacement, where I am only me in my head and everywhere else I am just this guy that I don’t recognize. It’s hard to look at the mirror or a photo without thinking, why am I this man? I certainly don’t think the way I look, and there are times when I am talking to my fiancé about clothes or how I am feeling and I suddenly feel very foolish for what I must look like to her. A big man, who is talking about a pretty dress and how I can’t go shopping like I would like to.