Stores and clothes

I went into a store today,  and as always i have to walk by the women’s clothes section without looking interested. I hate seeing a dress or a blouse and not getting to stop and pick it up to look at it. I know most of the clothes i couldn’t wear even if i wanted, but in my mind eye i can see them on me,  well not me but a version of me. I love going with my girls to clothes stores, i live vicariously through them. There is a deep pain inside though,  not getting to participate like i truly want to.
I always borrowed my girlfriends clothes,  then my ex wife’s. I have borrowed my fiances clothes,  but she was very upset so i stopped. I didn’t take into consideration how she may feel. I have just always done this to survive,  borrowing clothes so that i didn’t have a closet full of women’s clothes to be found.  I felt horrible. So now I’m buying some of my own clothes,  a little at a time.  I’ve started wearing women’s jeans and panties on a daily basis,  it’s very hard to tell, so i can feel good but not alert anyone.

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