I’m not the person you think I am.

In a very real sense, I am not the person I present to the world. One person, a person I trust more than anyone else, knows the real me. I was born with a defect, I have a male body and a female mind. I have known since I was very very young that I wasn’t supposed to be a boy. I have always felt broken, incomplete. I was a transvestite, that was the title I had to go with at the time, and I hated it. I felt even more broken. I wanted to dress how I felt on the inside, but this was before the internet and I was far too worried about anyone finding out and applying that label to me. I did manage to find clothes to wear once in a while, I even had panties that I had bought through mail order. But if I moved or if I had a roommate, I would have to throw them all away to avoid being discovered.

It’s not about sex, I have always loved women, I love my current and wonderful fiance (that person I trust more than anyone else). It’s true, there are times I have fantasized about men, but I believe it was borne mostly out of confusion by what I am physically and mentally. So, I am straight of body and gay of mind I suppose.

I don’t plan on changing my body, I’m now in my mid 40’s and before that I had a strong need to not disappoint my family. They are great, really and they are for the most part open minded, but I know that a mom always hopes her son will grow up to be a good man and I can’t bring myself to make her sad. I’m not putting this on my mom, truthfully I never had the courage to be me. I was in the military right out of high school and I wanted to be in the service very badly, a sex change would have been problematic to say the least. Once I got out of the service after being in desert shield and storm, I was a bit lost to myself and my family. I was depressed a lot and didn’t know what to do with myself. I had seen death up close and I already had a full plate of issues before I got to deal with that.

Then, I got married, more because it seemed like the thing to do, and I had met someone that I wanted to be. I know it sounds strange, but my ex-wife, aside from a few issues of her own, was beautiful and sexy and in my mind I fantasized about being her. She was not an ideal person, she was a bigot and mean and pretty much everything I didn’t like. But her body fit the fantasy of what I wanted to be. This makes me sound deranged, let me state that at no time did I want to skin her and wear it. I just wanted to be a girl, a pretty girl with my thoughts and feelings. I was jealous of her getting to be a girl and live that life, I had not come to grips yet with my reality. So we got divorced, I was a bad husband and she was a bad person. She never knew what I was, I was always very good at hiding within myself. I tried to make it work, only because I was supposed to be married and have kids and be the man. It’s what I was trained to do all my life, it was the expectation and I didn’t know how to deal with it.

Now I am engaged and I love her more than anything or anyone. I told her my secret, a true secret, only I knew, and now she does too. It’s about trust for me. I can handle having a mans body, I like having sex with my fiance and we are trying to have a child. I like being the dad to her children, they are my children in every way. But I am still a girl on the inside, I still wear the clothes, I just don’t wear them in front of the children. I don’t want to confuse our youngest, they have all had enough with the deadbeat dad they regret, I don’t want them to regret my being their dad.

Anyway, I wanted to start this blog, not for you but for me. I wanted to hash things out in my head, to say the things I hide during the day. Read it or not, helpful or not, welcome to my page.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s